


Grief

by Mishael



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 00:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12353553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mishael/pseuds/Mishael
Summary: The loss of someone close to you is not an easy thing to face.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I recently lost someone very near and dear to me. It happened earlier this year, but his birthday was on the 23rd of September, and that entire week was a hard one for me. The only writing I did that week was what you will see here, as I tried to work out my own emotions that resurfaced at that time. I have hesitated to share this, but...well...here it is.
> 
> P.S. Fuoror is a creation of cystemic on Tumblr, adopted as "Eli's Eli" by our corner of the Thrawn fandom.

Eli stared at the message on his screen, frowning. The coded signature and origination marker indicated that it had come from Thrawn, but the text itself did not make sense. That is, it did not sound like something Thrawn would say, nor in the manner he would speak. Was it code? If so, Eli had no idea how to interpret it.

_I have a bad feeling about this._

Should he try contacting him? The last time they had properly communicated, Thrawn had mentioned that he might be incommunicado for some time. A major offensive was looming on the horizon. Which was another reason why Eli was confused by this. Had someone hacked into Thrawn’s system? If so, why would they send _this_ message to _him_? What could it possibly mean?

He supposed it was possible that whoever was on the other end was trying to track him down, to figure out where he was operating, perhaps in the hope of discovering Chiss space. Such an effort, of course, would only end in failure. Eli himself didn’t quite understand all the intricacies of the system they had in place to make this communication possible. He just knew that both Thrawn and Admiral Ar’alani had assured him that no one would be able to trace either the origin or the destination of their conversation.

And if it _was_ from Thrawn?

Eli shook his head, subconsciously pushing down the sense of dread that it stirred up in him. Something more was going on here. He was sure of it. Should he bring this message to the admiral? She might have insight that he lacked. With no better idea available, he rose from his seat and went in search of her.

~

Ar’alani had no better luck than Eli did, even after spending the entire night pouring over every tiny detail of the transmission. When he had met with her in the morning to discuss it, she had mentioned potentially arranging a scouting trip to find out where Thrawn was, exactly, and if he needed assistance. The fact that she was even considering such a mission, after everything, plunged Eli’s low-level uneasiness into outright concern, edged with fear. She was clearly worried about something, and if _she_ was worried, then something must truly be wrong.

He could hardly focus on his tasks that morning, as scenario after scenario played itself through his mind and kept him distracted. He should be there. He should be with Thrawn, helping him through whatever it was he was facing. Ar’alani was right. Something was off about this whole thing.

He jumped when Fuoror tapped his shoulder. “I apologize, Crahsystor Vanto,” the Chiss said, bowing his head and shifting apprehensively. Eli frowned as that unknown something tugged at him again at the sight of Fuoror’s nervousness. “There is a message for you.”

“Is it from Th—Mitth’raw’nuruodo?” Eli asked, the question coming out in a rush. He took a deep breath and forced his hands to relax where they had curled into fists at his sides.

“I...do not believe so,” Fuoror said with a small frown. “But I am not entirely sure.”

Eli shook his head, waving a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take it in my quarters.”

Fuoror blinked but nodded. “Of course, Crahsystor.”

It took all his self-control to keep from running to his room. Once there, he threw himself into his seat in front of his console and keyed for the transmission to come through. “Commander Eli Vanto,” he said, fully expecting a familiar blue face to greet him despite what Fuoror said.

“Eli!” The face and the voice were human, female. “Er, Commander Vanto,” Captain Faro corrected herself. “I am glad to see you.”

Eli didn’t respond right away. He could not help staring at the captain’s haggard appearance, the weak smile, the paleness of her skin, the darkness beneath her eyes, the red— “I...” he began, his voice immediately trailing off. His stomach clenched painfully as he fought against being sick.

Something was very wrong.

“Where is he?” he demanded, with a flicker of guilt at the way Captain Faro flinched.

“Eli...”

“No.” Eli rose so quickly that his chair fell backward onto the floor with a crash. His mind barely registered it. His mind was barely registering anything. He couldn’t. “No. No, no.” His head was moving back and forth, but his eyes wouldn’t focus on anything. His chest hurt, and he had to tell himself to breathe.

Her face was pinched with pain, and the holoprojector caught the faintest shimmer in her eyes. “Eli,” she said again, her voice soft but forced.

“No!” he yelled, pointing accusingly at her flickering hologram. “You tell me where he is. I am already preparing a ship.” It wasn’t exactly true, but it was close enough given Ar’alani’s earlier comment. Faro shook her head. “Stop it,” Eli commanded, his hand making a quick cutting motion. “Send me your coordinates. Send me all the information you have. I will take the fastest ship there, and our best crew. Don’t argue with me, Faro.”

Again she flinched, but then something in her face hardened, and for a moment it looked like she might actually argue with him. But then she sighed, her shoulders slumping. “As you wish, Commander Vanto.”

“Thank you.” He straightened, forcing a return of composure. “I will see you soon.”

Captain Faro nodded. Then her hologram disappeared. Eli waited for a few minutes, fingers tapping impatiently on the console as he awaited the information from Faro. The moment the message arrived, he downloaded it onto his datapad and went off in search of Ar’alani.

~

The _Chimaera_ and its crew were actually not that far from where Eli had been stationed. It would take a couple days of traveling in the vessel available to them, but Eli held out hope that they would arrive in plenty of time. 

_Plenty of time for what?_

Eli shoved the question aside, blatantly ignoring the fear pressing down on him. The datafile that Faro had sent was larger than he expected, and he had glanced briefly at the list of documents. But he refused to read any of it. He would learn the truth soon enough, and he would rather learn it directly from Thrawn himself. Or, at least, he would read it once he had assured himself that Thrawn was all right, if Thrawn was not in the position of talking right away.

Because obviously something had happened, but of course he would be all right in the end. He had survived near-fatal accidents before, if, indeed, it was as bad as Faro’s appearance and air seemed to imply.

And yet, what if...

No. Eli frowned furiously down at the control board, watching the numbers count down as they traveled through hyperspace. No what ifs. Thrawn was fine. He would be fine, once Eli arrived. To doubt at all would display a disturbing lack of trust, and Eli would not allow that.

He shut down his thinking process, only allowing his mind to dwell on the singular activity of watching the countdown and repeating the numbers in his head.

Soon everything would be right again.

~

He had half expected Thrawn to be among those meeting him at the bottom of the ramp, but it ended up being Faro. Alone. An unusually light welcoming committee, but Eli didn’t really mind. In fact, he was rather glad not to have extra eyes on him as he descended, the handful of Chiss who had traveled with him following close behind.

Faro’s eyes flicked toward the Chiss, and a slight frown creased her face. But only for a moment. Her gaze was fixed once more on Eli, and he met it. The holoprojector display had shown a decent amount of detail during their transmission, but it had concealed the lines that the past years and stress of military life had left on her. Briefly he wondered if he was beginning to show the same aging, although he was younger than she. The thought was out of his head as quickly as it had entered.

“Commander.” Faro nodded tersely, and Eli could read the tension in her stance. Was she still upset about the way he had snapped at her?

“Captain.”

“Would you like to be shown to the quarters you will occupy while you’re here?” she asked, her eyes again shifting to the others behind him. “Or would you like to see him first?”

Eli carefully hid the wave of relief that had suddenly washed over him. That thread of hope that he had clung to had been justified then. Not that he doubted it, he told himself. “I would like to see him,” he said, straightening a bit and lifting his chin. “Please.”

Faro nodded, her gaze dropping briefly to the floor as she turned to lead them away. “You arrived in impressive time,” she commented, with an obvious effort to keep her voice light. “Did you happen to read through the material I sent?”

“No,” Eli admitted, mildly distracted by the clicking of the various boots across the polished floor of the hangar. “I was...busy,” he said lamely. “But I—”

He nearly ran into her as she stopped and spun to face him, her face reddening with anger. “You did _not_ read it?” she growled through gritted teeth, and Eli fell back half a step in surprise. “ _Any_ of it?”

“Well,” he sputtered, keenly aware of the Chiss audience right behind him. “I was planning to.”

Several strong emotions crossed her features before she finally reigned them in, pulling herself back as she regained composure. “Then you don’t know.”

The relief he had felt a moment ago suddenly went ice cold. “Just take me to him.”

“I don’t know—”

“ _Faro_.” His fists shook where they curled tensely at his sides. “Just. Take. Me. There.”

Her expression hardened. “Very well. Have it your way, Vanto.”

The walk to the medical ward was a blur. Eli knew they passed others in the hall, but he did not see them. He did not look at them. He did not want to acknowledge anyone or anything right now. All that mattered was that he saw Thrawn, that he could assure himself that it was not as bad as that small, incessant voice at the back of his mind was whispering.

They stopped at last in front of a door. Faro turned to look at each of them in turn, landing finally on Eli. Her expression seemed to ask, _Are you sure?_ He nodded, taking a deep breath. She then opened the door, leading them inside.

~

The room was dark. Not entirely dark, but darker than Eli had expected it to be. But what struck him more was the silence. There was no quiet hum of machinery, no soft whirring of medical devices doing their work. It was deathly quiet.

He froze. That word. Why did his mind have to choose _that_ word? Faro raised the lighting.

Then he saw him.

He was reclining on a bed. _Not reclining, laid out._ Eli forced a foot forward, then another, both afraid to look and desperate to know. _You already know._ No. No, it was a lie. _Your eyes don’t lie._ Yes! Yes, they can! This is just some cruel trick of...of the lighting...of...of...

He stopped, still halfway across the room from him. _From the body._ Stop it! His hands shot upward to his face. They were shaking. He choked on the painful lump in his throat, and his lungs refused his command to draw in air. This wasn’t real. It wasn’t. It couldn’t be. He wouldn’t accept it. It was a dream. A nightmare. A ruse—

That was it. This was a ruse. Things must have gotten so bad that Thrawn had to make himself disappear. Perhaps this was the only way he could guarantee that Ar’alani would allow Eli to come, personally, and even now, he was just waiting—

Turning suddenly, he dashed out of the room, pushing past Faro and the other Chiss. She said something as he went by, but he had no idea what it was. He didn’t care.

Everyone fell out of his way as he tore through the corridors on his way to Thrawn’s chamber.

_You’re lying to yourself._

Shut up! I am not. He’s not dead.

_You really think Faro would not be in on this insane idea of yours if it were real?_

Thrawn only tells people what they need to know when they need to know. I’m sure he’ll tell her the truth once he’s in a secure location—far away from her wrath. He’s done it before.

_You saw the body yourself._

Yes, _a_ body. Not _his_. It was very similar, but I could tell it wasn’t him.

_That is only because his life force is gone from it._

No. No. That’s not it.

_Dead bodies always look...not quite right._

That wasn’t him. I know him. I know him better than anyone here. That was not him.

_You’re lying to yourself._

And you’re repeating yourself.

He pushed the voice from his head, panting with exertion as he looked up to see where he was. Why did these Star Destroyers have to be so kriffing big?

When he finally got to the right corridor, he could see a pair of stormtroopers stationed at the doorway leading to Thrawn’s office. Subconsciously, he reached up for a code cylinder, only then realizing that, of course, he did not have one anymore.

He closed his eyes, his face falling. He should have waited for Faro. He was wandering in restricted areas now, and in the time he was gone, how many people had rotated out? How many here actually knew who he was and wouldn’t take him into custody on sight? He should have maintained control and allowed Faro to guide him. His reactions had been knee-jerk ones at best, and he had been disrespectful to her. He was an idiot.

_In more ways than one._

“Shut up,” he grumbled under his breath. Well, nothing for it but to go the whole way. If Thrawn was waiting for him inside, or had left him a clue on where to find him, then this was his best chance before others took control again. Taking a deep breath and straightening, he marched down the hallway.

The stormtroopers’ helmets turned toward him as he approached, and he swallowed, unable to keep his eyes from glancing at the blasters resting against their chests. He had no weapons on him, not even a charric. He would have to play this as nicely as possible.

But how? He could hardly think right now, much less think cleverly.

“Allow me.”

Eli jumped at the unexpected voice behind him, spinning around in surprise. “Cov—Major General!” he corrected himself as he saw the other’s rank plaque. “I, uh, I was just—” He threw a thumb over his shoulder toward the door, eyes wide and body tensing until he realized what the other man had said. He stared in shock as Major General Covell handed his code cylinder to the stormtrooper, who hesitated only a moment before running his details and opening the door. Both troopers stepped aside as Covell brought Eli through, a hand gently but firmly placed against his back.

Once the door closed, Covell turned to him. “The Captain told me what happened. I was the closest one here, and she guessed you might be heading this way.” He pressed his lips together, studying Eli’s face intensely. Eli looked away, embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, sir.”

Covell shook his head. “It’s been a shock to all of us, Commander,” he murmured quietly. Eli’s throat squeezed shut at his words, but he refused to let them sink in. “Would you like me to come with you?”

“No. I need—” His voice caught, and he cleared this throat. “I need to do this alone.”

Covell nodded. “I will stay outside if you change your mind.”

Eli nodded in return, feeling his eyes burning. “Thank you.” His voice was a rough whisper. He watched as the other man turned and left him alone in that narrow hallway.

He couldn’t shake the feeling that this hallway was the point of no return. If he moved forward, he would discover the truth, once and for all. And as much as he hoped it was the one thing, he feared that that voice was right. And he didn’t want it to be. He could stay here, unmoving. Thrawn could still be at the end of the hall, waiting. And it could stay like that, forever.

Because then he would still be alive.

Eli’s arm shot out to steady him against the wall as his legs suddenly went weak.

“Sir, please...please wait for me...”


	2. Chapter 2

The door opened with a quiet _whoosh_. Eli didn’t move. He couldn’t. The room was darkened, the lights at their lowest setting, Thrawn’s usual habit when he left the room. The chair sat opposite from where he stood, framed by the desk.

Empty.

The sight of it struck him more deeply than he expected, and his carefully guarded fantasy took a shuddering blow. He shuffled forward slowly, the lights in the room rising to medium level as the sensors marked his presence. Tearing his eyes away from the chair, he allowed his gaze to sweep the room cautiously. Various pieces of artwork sat displayed around the room as usual—pieces that were new to him, pieces hand-picked by Thrawn for one reason or another. Eli was pretty sure he could tell which ones had been selected purely for their aesthetic qualities.

His chest hurt, like someone was pressing down on it with a great weight.

The air was heavy and still. Or maybe that was just Eli’s imagination. He could hear the low level sound of the ventilation system keeping the air cycled.

“Thrawn?”

He hadn’t expected a response. Not really. Although that stubborn part of him had hoped.

Approaching the desk, he looked down. It was mostly clear, but there were a few items set to the side, evidence of its recent use. Its master had not expected to leave so soon.

Eli fell forward, catching himself with an arm on the desk’s surface. His other hand moved up to cover his face, contorting now with repressed grief.

No, not yet. I haven’t finished looking.

Sucking in a trembling breath, Eli stood once more, crossing the room to the partially concealed door that led to Thrawn’s private chamber. There were official admiral’s quarters elsewhere on the ship, but Thrawn preferred this smaller room attached to his office, declaring that it suited its purpose well enough. Eli placed a hand on the panel beside the door, holding his breath as he waited for the system to scan his signature.

The quiet sound of a positive confirmation made his heart jump, just a little. The door slid open, and he stepped inside without a second thought.

Just as with the office, the lights in this room were on a low setting. But Eli didn’t even register that. His eyes were immediately drawn to the large panel that Thrawn had had installed on the far wall. It had been one of his favorite features, and Eli’s as well, allowing the room to be given the sensation of having a large window overlooking—well, anything, really. Often it was the starfield of wherever they were located, receiving feed from one of the external sensors. Sometimes it showed the landscape of some planet. Right now, in shades of blue ranging from pale to deep, it revealed an icy vista shrouded in twilight, casting the room in a melancholy glow.

Csilla. Eli recognized it.

And with that, he couldn’t hold it anymore. He collapsed forward onto his knees, burying his face in his hands. His face was twisted in anguish, his mouth open in a silent cry. No sound came. It couldn’t come. His chest was squeezed in a vice, unable to draw breath, unable to let it out. He tried to scream, but he couldn’t. He only bent forward more, his face nearly touching the floor.

The room smelled of him. The ship’s ventilation system couldn’t erase that, not so soon. And the image...the view...Thrawn’s thoughts in his final days, in his silent moments alone, had been turned toward home. Had he thought also of Eli?

A fresh wave of pain rolled over him, and a sob finally escaped, opening the floodgates. “No! No! Please don’t go! Don’t be gone. Don’t leave me. This can’t be happening. You have to be here. You have to be with me. You can’t leave me. I can’t—I can’t—” The tears streamed down his face, hot and furious.

_You knew all along._

“He can’t—he can’t be—” Eli dug his fingers into his hair, scraping his scalp with his nails. “Thrawn, please! Don’t be gone. It’s too soon. It’s too soon. I can’t do this!” Collapsing onto the floor entirely, he curled up into a ball, weeping and mumbling incoherently. The tears grew more intense with each passing moment until he was gasping for air, clawing at the floor in agony. “Please...please...” It was the only thing he could manage to say anymore.

There was no response to his cries. This room was as empty as the last. More out of duty than hope, he forcefully pulled himself up, roughly running his sleeve across his face as he searched for any sign that Thrawn might have left him a note. Nothing immediate came to his attention, and he knew it was only a fool’s hope that had clung to such an idea.

“Thrawn...” he whispered, staring around the room helplessly. “Please don’t be gone.”

The searing pain of loss loomed over him again, threatening to drown him. For a moment, he wished it would. He wished it would take him, take him to wherever Thrawn had gone...

Eli stumbled toward the bed, falling gracelessly on the immaculately kept bedspread. Tears blurred his vision as he ran a hand lightly over the cover, moving upward to rest on the pillow. He had been here. Thrawn had been here, mere days ago, his head here, his body here...Eli could almost feel the warmth left—

His expression crumpled, and he fell forward once more, burying his face in the pillow as the sobs wracked his body again. Thrawn’s bed. Thrawn’s pillow. His scent was strongest here. With his eyes closed, Eli could almost imagine—

No. It was a lie, and he knew it.

But it was all he had left. His whole body was now shaking with grief, and he clung to the pillow as if his life depended on it.

He knew he must look ridiculous, but that didn’t matter. He was in pain, pain greater than he had ever felt, and he couldn’t contain it now if he tried. At least he was alone—

Alone.

He was, indeed, alone.

And it was tearing him apart.

~

“Eli?”

Eli startled awake, momentarily disoriented. He blinked the blurriness from his eyes, gazing up at Faro where she stood in the doorway of Thrawn’s room.

Thrawn’s room.

Thrawn.

He closed his eyes again, swallowing the lump lodged in his throat. Slowly, he pushed himself up into a sitting position, rubbing his hands over his face and through his rumpled hair.

“Karyn.” His voice was rough from the tears that had recently been spent. “I—I owe you an apology.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she said softly, and he heard her footsteps draw closer. But when he looked up, she was only a couple feet from the doorway, looking around the room as if nervous to invade such a private place. She had probably never been here before. In fact, Eli was probably the only one Thrawn had ever invited here. He felt his cheeks warm slightly. 

His heart, too, warmed. A tiny bit.

“You should have seen me when—” She cut herself off, her eyes shifting quickly to Eli before dropping to the floor. “I didn’t react much better.” A heavy sigh escaped her. “I did try to prepare you, though. So that it hopefully wouldn’t be such a shock when you arrived.”

“I know.” Eli nodded, mirroring her sigh even as his heart clenched within his chest. “And I thank you for that. I don’t blame you at all. It’s entirely my fault for—for—” His voice cracked, and he snapped his mouth shut.

Faro offered a weak smile. “I would have held onto hope just as tightly,” she admitted.

Eli squeezed his eyes shut, bowing his head and begging the tears to stay back.

“Would you—would you like to—” she began, and he glanced back up. She had half turned and was indicating behind her. “Do you want to see him now? Or have you seen enough?”

“No! No.” Eli shook his head, then his eyes widened. “I mean, yes, I would like to see him again, properly this time, but not quite yet.” A sudden worry sprang into his mind. “Unless they’re taking him—?”

“No.” Faro crossed her arms over her chest. “I have not contacted anyone official yet. I wanted you to be able to see him first. But something will have to be done soon.”

Eli closed his eyes again, guilt shooting through him like a spike. Faro had pushed the rules to give him a chance to see him, and he had treated her wretchedly. He would have to make it up to her. Somehow. “Please just give me a little more time, if that’s all right. And...if it’s all the same to you, I would like to stay here...while we’re on the Chimaera.” He looked around the room and patted the bed beside him before returning his gaze to the captain.

She looked like she might object, but then her expression softened. “Why not?” she murmured. “I trust you more than anyone to treat the things Thrawn left behind with respect.”

Eli nodded again, not trusting his voice at the moment. He knew it was true. He knew Thrawn was officially dead. But every reminder, every confirmation was a knife wound to his heart.

Faro seemed to recognize that. “I will leave you to it, then,” she said. “I’ve, um, left a comlink on the desk out here so that you can contact me when you’re ready.”

“Thank you.”

She smiled again, grimly this time, then turned and left. 

Eli sat alone in the silence for several minutes. The image of Csilla had shifted slightly, but only in the lighting and shadows. It was brighter now, the angles of the light indicating possibly morning. With just a tiny push of the imagination, he could almost see himself sitting in a room on the Chiss home planet.

The ache in his heart was deep, but at least at the moment it wasn’t overwhelming.

Beside the bed was a tall, thin table. It had always been there, but Eli hadn’t paid it any attention when he first entered the room. However, as he looked at it now, he felt his breath catch. Sitting on top of it, alone on the cool, smooth surface, was a little wood carving. He knew it immediately, and his hand shook as he reached out to pick it up.

He had made this, years and years ago, back before he had entered the Academy, as an exercise in wood carving. It wasn’t bad—in fact, he had been rather proud of it—but he was no master of the craft, either. His fingers rubbed familiarly over the creature’s head, sliding back and forth between its upraised ears. It was based off of one of his favorite childhood animals back on Lysatra. It was one of the few things from home he had brought with him when he left, and he used to hold it often when he was stressed, the action of running his fingers over the smooth surface of the wood giving him a somewhat cathartic release. He had kept the habit hidden from everyone—except Thrawn. Of course.

But there had been no look of derision or condescension when the secret was discovered. On the contrary, Thrawn had been intrigued and fascinated, both by Eli’s habit and by the little carving itself, all the more so once he learned that Eli had made it. Eventually, Eli had reached the point where he no longer needed the little figure, and it had lain hidden for quite some time before he found it again with a quiet jolt of nostalgia. Then, on a whim, he had offered it to Thrawn. And it had been completely on a whim; Eli wasn’t even sure why he had thought to do such a thing. But Thrawn had been as delighted and humbled as Eli had ever seen him, taking the wooden creature with the same tender reverence he used for artwork a million times worth that little piece of wood scrap.

He had no idea he still kept it, and kept it so near him.

Tears filled his eyes again as he clutched the tiny figure to his chest, a tremor running through his body. He squeezed his eyes shut, begging the emotions to stay back for a while. He was still exhausted from the previous breakdown. Sniffing loudly and running an arm beneath his nose, he set the animal down and reached for the drawer in the table. It was practically silent as he pulled it open, and inside he found a book.

Another journal?

Swallowing painfully, he carefully lifted the book from its resting place, the unique scent of paper and ink rising from its pages as he flicked quickly through it. It did look very much like the one Thrawn had given him before, complete with sketches and beautifully flowing Cheunh letters. He ran his fingers over the words. Thrawn wrote these. His hand had formed these words, these thoughts...

Deep breath. Slowly. In and out. 

He flipped to the last entry. It was dated four days ago.

Four days. Four days ago he held this book. Four days ago he put his pen to this paper. Eli felt his breathing grow more rapid, and he forced his hands to loosen their tight grip on the book.

_Dreams are curious things, the product of a mind released from all restraint. They hold no more power than one’s own imagination. And yet, this dream has left me with an unshakable sense of foreboding..._

Eli couldn’t read any more. The text was blurred by his own tears, and he had to quickly close the book and set it aside before he stained the pages with them. He covered his face with his hands, which were shaking yet again. He could feel himself hyperventilating, and although he knew what he was supposed to do, he couldn’t get himself to focus enough to calm his breathing. He slid to the floor, leaning forward on his hands and knees, gasping for air, his face wet with tears.

“You can’t be gone. I should have been here...”

He knelt there on the floor, on his face, for a long time, his mind blank as he frantically pushed every thought away. He couldn’t manage to face them right now. 

But then one thought squeezed its way through the barrier: when had he last eaten or had anything to drink?

He could almost hear Thrawn himself asking the question.

He couldn’t remember. Everything had been a blurred rush after he received Faro’s transmission. 

Feeling Thrawn’s disapproving look, he subconsciously flinched. As he sat up, his gaze fell on the door to the refresher. 

A shower might be nice, actually.

_You’re deflecting._

Yes. But maybe once I’m clean, I’ll feel more up to eating.

_You have no intention whatsoever, shower or no._

Eli ignored the voice as he rose to his feet, making his way to the refresher. Opening the door and going inside, he saw that it looked exactly as he remembered it. But he forced every other memory out in an effort simply to get the job done.

He stood under the water for a long time, reveling in the feel of it running through his hair, down his face, and against his back as it sought its way to the floor. He could hear his mom yelling at him for wasting too much water and allowed himself a satisfied smirk. No one could tell him that now.

But at last, he knew it was time.

He had been in such a rush before that he had nothing with him but the clothes on his back. He would have to change back into them for now. But then a thought crossed his mind, one that he nearly dismissed. No. There was no reason not to do it. He knew Thrawn would not mind—it was something he had done before. And no one else would know. 

Going to where Thrawn kept his clothes, all neatly folded, Eli selected a clean undershirt, bringing it up to his face to breath in the scent. Clean, but also definitely Thrawn’s. He smiled sadly. Then, in a swift motion, before he could back down, he pulled the shirt over his head, running his hands over the fabric as he straightened it over his body. The undershirt was tighter fitting than the uniform, so the size disparity was not that noticeable. He quickly pulled on the rest of his clothes. The secret beneath his jacket sent a small thrill through him.

But what would happen to the rest of his things?

Eli was suddenly struck by the thought. Would Faro allow him to take them? The things that didn’t need to be returned, of course. His eyes fell on the carved figurine and the journal. At the very least, he _was_ going to take those with him.

Shaking his head, he moved toward the door to the office. There would be time to deal with that. For now, it was time he paid his proper respects.

He choked back a soft cry at the thought, focusing himself to proceed with the task at hand. The door to the room closed behind him, and from where he stood, he could see the comlink Faro had mentioned. There was also a datapad that hadn’t been there before. He stopped beside the desk, picking up the datapad first and keying it on. There was a message left on it from Faro.

_Eli, in this datapad are all the files pertaining to recent events surrounding Thrawn, including those I could not send to you at first. I need not mention that most of this is confidential, and I shouldn’t even allow you access. However, I know you were close, and I know Thrawn trusted you above anyone else. And so, I trust you as well. Please keep this information confidential until and if I give you permission to share it. This includes those with whom you traveled._

Eli sighed deeply. Should he read this first? There were a lot of files, and he found himself not wanting to wait any longer to see him again. Whether he read these before or after, it did not really matter. And so, it would wait.

Picking up the comlink, he called Faro. She answered within moments.

“I’m ready.”


	3. Chapter 3

Eli stood still, unmoving, just staring.

He had asked to be allowed to have this time alone, and for a moment he and Faro had striven against each other in their mutual stubbornness. But at last she relented, again. After he promised that he would contact her the second he needed her to return.

The silence. It was just as it had been the first time.

No. Not quite. It was heavier, crushing him so that he struggled to keep upright.

The light in the room illuminated Thrawn’s body as it lay in quiet repose on the medical bed, dressed in his pristine uniform. His skin...the blue was paler than normal, with a tinge of grey. Eli couldn’t bring himself to look at his face. Not yet.

His eyes focused on the hand that lay still against the body. That hand, which had held the journal, had poised the pen just days ago, moving with skill and grace. Slowly, hesitantly, almost afraid that he was breaking some unspoken rule, Eli reached out and touched the cold, stiff fingers. A tremor ran through him as he fought to maintain his composure. His face twisted with grief. This hand, which had been often lifted to the chin or steepled with the other in thought, which had expressed tender interest with innumerable pieces of art, which had, at times, rested lightly on Eli’s own shoulder...

“No...”

The tears spilled over as he choked back a cry, and his own hand involuntarily gripped Thrawn’s. There was no response, no brief squeeze in reply. Lifeless. Truly lifeless.

“Please. You can’t—”

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, ducking his head and pressing his lips together as he breathed deeply through his nose. It took several breaths to regain control.

And with his eyes closed, he could almost imagine that Thrawn was only sleeping, perhaps merely unconscious through the recovery process. But no. The hand was too cold. It lacked the suppleness that life gave it, feeling too rigid and rough to be real.

Blinking his eyes open again, still holding the hand in his own, he allowed his gaze to drift upward, over the chest, shoulders, neck, and—

“Thrawn...” His voice was raw, and the name came out almost in a growl. He drew in a shuddering breath. Thrawn’s face was calm, peaceful, but still...not quite right. It never would be. This wasn’t him. Not anymore.

With trembling fingers, Eli reached up to brush against his cheek lightly, to feel his dark, thick hair. “How could you...”

He pulled both hands away as they curled into fists, resisting the sudden irrational urge to strike the figure lying serenely in front of him. 

“How could you allow this to happen?!” he cried through clenched teeth, shocking himself with the unexpected burst of anger that roared through him like a blaze. “You’re supposed to be clever! You’re supposed to be able to predict anything! You _knew_ something was wrong! _You knew it!_ So how could you let this happen?!” He pushed himself back, falling to his knees and striking the floor with his fists as he released a primal cry of anguish. “How could you? _How could you?_ ” He was sobbing again, and a part of his mind warned him that others might rush in if they heard him. He didn’t care. The pain was tearing into him again.

“I was this close to you, Thrawn!” he yelled, glaring up at Thrawn’s motionless body. “ _I could have been here._ I could have...could have...protected you...” A sharp pain pierced his chest, and he collapsed, gasping. “I would have protected you...” he said, his voice broken and quiet. He whimpered, burying his face in his hands. “This hurts...this hurts so much...and it’s your fault...we could have helped you...we would have helped you...”

For several long minutes he lay face down on the floor, tears washing over him, agony immobilizing him.

At last, he stirred, pulling his knees up under him so that he knelt on the unforgiving floor. “I miss you,” he whispered harshly to the still form above him. “I don’t want it to be like this. I want to wake up and find that this is all a nightmare, a horrible dream that I can forget.”

He waited, listening, as if hoping for an answer, a confirmation that this was not reality.

All that met him was cold silence.

With an effort, he pushed himself slowly to his feet, resettling himself at Thrawn’s side. Now he wished he had read those files. Then he would know why Thrawn lay here, unmoving, instead of sitting in his chair at his desk, surrounded by his art, or standing on the bridge gazing outward as his mind worked miracles. Then he could speak to him properly. For now, all he could do was drink in every detail. Soon, he wouldn’t even have this anymore, and he did not want to lose this opportunity to an emotional outburst. He lifted a hand and laid it gently on Thrawn’s chest, over his heart, no longer pulsing with life.

“You were my friend, Thrawn. One of the best. Even if I didn’t always understand you.” He allowed a small smile to pull at the corner of his mouth. It seemed almost like a betrayal, to smile right now. And yet, he knew Thrawn would not have wanted him to let his emotions rule him. No amount of anger or sorrow would bring him back. “But I wish I could,” he whispered in response to his thought. “If I could bring you back, I would. I don’t like that you’re gone. I don’t like that...I wasn’t here...”

He bit his lip, blinking rapidly to keep back the tears.

“I will continue the mission you requested of me,” he murmured softly. “As if you—as if you’re still alive.” His voice broke, and he hesitated. Then, bending forward despite the awkwardness of the angle, he shifted his hand and laid his head down on Thrawn’s chest, moving his hand to curl around Thrawn’s side. He closed his eyes, again listening, again receiving nothing in return.

With a sigh, he straightened up again, looking down at Thrawn’s face. Those eyes, which would never more glow, never turn his way again. That brow, which would no longer quirk with amusement or query. “I know you’re not here anymore, and you can’t even hear me,” he said in a wavering voice. Self-consciously, he looked around the room, remembering stories about spirits and the Force. “Well, maybe you can. I don’t know. I hope you can.” He grimaced, his cheeks warming up briefly. “If so, I’m sorry about the hysterics.” Lowering his eyes, he ran his hand along the front of Thrawn’s uniform, then reached up to touch his cheek again before dropping his hand to his side. It still felt very weird. And yet, if this was to be the last connection...

“Thank you. For everything you’ve taught me. For guiding me.” He clasped his hands in front of him, his head bowed. “I really don’t like that you’re gone. I’ll never like it. I am going to miss you. But I will...I will make it.” He said it more for himself than anything. “I will do everything in my power to protect your people, and the rest of the galaxy. Just as you have done.”

Minutes passed as he continued to stand by Thrawn’s side, a silent sentinel. He was hardly aware of his surroundings as he allowed himself to fall back into memories. He barely noticed when the door opened and Faro moved quietly to his side. They stood together for another moment.

At last, Eli spoke again. “I need to see the Chiss who came with me,” he said quietly. “I have been very irresponsible of their care.”

Faro smiled grimly. “Don’t worry about that, Eli. I’ve made sure they have received the best of care so far.”

“Even so,” Eli sighed. “I’ve just been a mess. He would be disappointed.”

Faro’s hand landed gently on his shoulder. “Would you like me to take you to them?”

“Yes, please.”

~

Faro had certainly taken good care of the Chiss. Eli spent as much time with them as he could manage, allowing them to express their thoughts and concerns. He assured them that they would be given information regarding Thrawn’s final moments and his work thus far in the Empire before they returned to Chiss space. Faro hadn’t actually said anything to that effect, but there was no way she was going to be able to keep that from them. He wouldn’t allow it.

One of them had even asked about what would happen with Thrawn’s body, bringing up the idea of asking if they could take it back with them in order to give him a proper Chiss burial. Eli had said he wasn’t sure, but the idea stuck with him. He had a feeling it wasn’t going to be that easy, but he was determined to give it a try.

Afterward, he retreated back to Thrawn’s room, bone weary. He still hadn’t eaten, but he didn’t care. He felt numb, and he wanted nothing more right now than to sleep. And so, upon entering Thrawn’s private chamber, he removed his boots, pulled back the covers on the bed, and crawled inside, burrowing his face into the pillow and pulling the blankets over his head. He fell asleep almost immediately.

Sometime later there was a tap at the door, and he was vaguely aware of Faro talking to him; but he had no idea what she said. He thought he smelled food, so maybe she had brought him something, but he fell asleep again right after she left. The bed was warm and comfortable, and the light of Csilla was soothing. Everything melded into a haze of memories and dreams as he slept fitfully, and for a while he couldn’t remember what was actually real and what had been imagined.

When he woke sometime later, he lay there with the blankets pulled up to his ears, staring blankly at the ceiling. Just when he thought he was getting a handle on things, he felt like he was standing on the edge of a cliff once more. The gaping maw of loss opened out before him again, beckoning him to jump. And it was tempting to do so. His chest hurt, while at the same time everything felt numb. He wondered if he would ever feel normal again. How could he go back to normal life now? What was normal life? He knew that people suffered loss every moment of every day. He wasn’t the only one facing a misery such as this. Death was a part of life, one that every person must face. Who was he to think that no one could possibly understand? Or that this blow was truly so devastating as to bring him down in ruin?

It was then that he remembered the datapad with the files. He still felt no particular desire to do anything, nor even the ability to summon enough energy to rise from the bed. A heavy sigh escaped him as he threw an arm over his face. He had already put it off this long, and he couldn’t very well stay here forever. Faro was already playing with fire by giving Eli and his escort this opportunity first. It would be selfish of him to put her at greater risk by delaying. Forcing himself to his feet, he shuffled half-heartedly across the room and entered the office proper. There lay the datapad on the desk as before, with a tray of food beside it. As he made his way to the desk, he glanced at the food disinterestedly. He still didn’t want to eat. However, when he picked up the datapad, he found a new note on it:

_If I come back one more time and discover that you have still not eaten anything, Eli Vanto, I swear I will carry you to Medical myself and shove a feeding tube down your throat._

Eli grimaced, knowing full well that the threat wasn’t an empty one. Reluctantly, he picked up the tray and brought it back with him into the bedroom, carefully balancing it so as not to upset the rather large container of water included with the food. With another weary sigh, he settled himself back in bed, wrapping the blankets around him and setting the tray beside him. The food was cold, but he picked tentatively at it as he switched the datapad back on.

His head hurt as he saw the list of files. Where should he begin? They were listed in the order they were created, so perhaps he should just start with the earliest files and go from there. He shut his eyes a moment, pressing a hand to his forehead as his stomach churned uneasily. Perhaps the food wasn’t such a great idea, despite Faro’s threat. He pushed the tray away, just a bit, grabbing the water and taking a sip before opening the first file.

It took him a couple hours to get through everything. Within the first half hour, Faro had popped her head in to see if he was awake—and to make sure he was eating. He made a show of it, taking several large bites while she watched skeptically, her eyes narrowed and arms crossed until he swallowed. But as soon as she was gone, he set it aside again to return to reading.

It was painful. More painful than he thought it would be, perhaps aggravated by his initial denial of what had happened. Every mention of Thrawn’s name was a dagger wound to the heart, especially as he read Faro’s log of the events from that day. He nearly set it aside, but then he took a deep breath and forced himself to read it through his tears. His hands were shaking, and he felt his throat closing again. Was this how it was going to be every time he spoke of Thrawn from now on? He tossed the datapad to the side, twisting in the bed and sobbing into the pillow once more, a hand clutched to his heart.

How pathetic. He was glad he was alone, because no one who saw him like this would ever be able to take him seriously again.

And then the anger returned, and he pounded his fist into the pillow. “How could you leave me like this?” he demanded into the air. “How could you do this to me? To us? We need you! We need you...” His voice trailed off as he curled up into a pitiful ball of tears and moaning.

_This is all part of the process. You will make it through. It won’t always be this painful._

But it should. If the pain eases, then...then won’t that mean I’ve forgotten? That I don’t care anymore?

_No._

Eli’s sobs had reduced to quiet hiccoughs. His fingers were tangled in the bedding, and his gaze had fallen on the image of Csilla. A thin band of color could be seen on the horizon, and above it, stars were glittering like jewels. One in particular outshone the rest, and his eyes were draw to it, mesmerized by it.

“Thrawn...”

He caught his breath as the star shimmered, almost as if in response. His heart still hurt, but an uncanny peace settled over him as well. He lay there on the bed, clutching the pillow, staring at the growing starscape of Thrawn’s homeworld.

“I’ll never forget.”

_Neither will I, Eli..._

~

Eli sat on the edge of the bed, his body turned so that he could look out the window nearest him. He was bundled in several layers of clothing, but since he had turned up the thermostat and initiated the imitation fire in the fireplace across the room, he would soon be shedding the extra warmth.

With a sigh, he focused his attention outward as the light slowly faded, leaving a narrow strip of red and orange at the horizon, broken up by the dark shapes of far off mountains. Above, the stars twinkled into view. Eli’s eyes fixated on one in particular.

It had been a year ago today. This entire week leading up to it had been difficult, and he had managed to contact Faro so they could talk. Just...talk. Share memories. Ease some of the pain.

It was funny how the little things over the past year could spark a cascade of grief, and he would have to excuse himself until he could regain his composure. It might be a look. It might be the way something was said. It could be as obvious as a mention of his name. Sometimes, he brought it on himself by digging out one of the pieces he had been allowed to keep, running it through his hands, remembering...

But he never regretted those moments. It reminded him of how much he cared. Of the impact Thrawn had had on his life. He chuckled under his breath as he looked around. Impact? Never in a million years would Eli have imagined himself here, working among the _Chiss_ of all people, a liaison between Thrawn’s people and his own. And, although he had felt a bit slighted by it at first, he was greatly relieved to discover that Thrawn had been slowly building his own network in the Unknown Regions, so Eli was not alone. And that had made things so much better. In fact, it was due to the influence of certain members of that network that they had managed to procure Thrawn’s body in the end and give him the farewell ceremony he deserved.

His gaze softened as he stared out the window on a very familiar scene. He had not realized that there was a lodge—well, the Chiss equivalent of a lodge—in the very spot where Thrawn’s last window image had been recorded. And this room was in just the right place to match the image perfectly.

Had Thrawn been here before, in this very room, years before he met Eli? Did this room hold special meaning to him?

Eli closed his eyes, resting his hand on the bed, on the pillow, imagining it. He could have been here, in this very bed, looking out on this very scene. Perhaps. Perhaps not. But he would like to think so. And he would like to think that he was not alone here, even now. Opening his eyes once more, he lifted them to the stars again. To the one in particular that shone brighter than the rest.

“Thrawn.”

The star flickered. 

Eli smiled.


End file.
